Things to do if you are single on Valentine’s Day

  1. Curl up in bed and binge watch TV shows
  2. Call your friend and cry about how you’re single and then eat cake
  3. Log out of Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram so you don’t see pictures of happy couples and #blessed captions
  4. Make plans to go to a bar because you are a sociable creature
  5. Do a few squats and jumping jacks to get fit for that dress you are wearing tonight
  6. Post a selfie in your work out clothes on Tinder so people know that you are fit and healthy
  7. Eat more cake
  8. Check out YouTube videos on how to master the smokey eye
  9. Cry in bed because you can’t do a smokey eye
  10. Order pizza and watch horror movies in bed instead because Valentine’s Day is just like any other day in your miserable life
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Things to do if you are single on Valentine’s Day

Thoughts I Had When There Was No Water In My House

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  1. Yay it’s The Bachelor time!
  2. Wow, this girl is so catty like how do you have friends?
  3. Your mole is annoying me.
  4. All this bitchiness is making me hungry
  5. Yay it’s pesto time! Only coz I can’t be arsed cooking
  6. Let’s boil some water and wait what
  7. Where did the water go
  8. OMG there is no water
  9. I need to pee
  10. I can’t make dinner
  11. Do I really have to eat tuna on toast instead
  12. Need.To.Pee
  13. It’s like my body knows I can’t pee so now I have to pee even more
  14. Body why you so mean
  15. Omg did we not pay the bill? But we didn’t get the bill!
  16. Checks online ‘major burst pipe in the Eastern suburbs….’ fuckkk
  17. *Has a panic attack and calls best friend*
  18. ‘I NEED TO PEE’
  19. ‘But if I stay at your house I’ll have to sleep on the floor and use towels as a pillow and a blanket right? Ugh’
  20. Hmm can I make it in 15 minutes for the bus
  21. YES WE CAN
  22. Okay wow I don’t even have a bag I can use for overnight stay
  23. I need to learn how to adult better
  24. Definitely need my zebra printed PJ’s and headphones and tissues and socks and money for a burger and my makeup bag so I don’t look ratchet tomorrow.
  25. Ugh I’ve removed my makeup but I’ll add lipstick coz what if I meet the love of my life on the bus
  26. Omg bus is coming in 4 minutes
  27. I CANT MAKE IT
  28. Maybe I should pee in the bushes and call it a day
  29. Let’s check the bushes
  30. Oh great the workers are right there and will see someone in zebra pants creeping around the bushes and peeing.
  31. Also, what if Billy the garden lizard is lurking about
  32. Great now I have a 30 minute wait
  33. OK let’s unbutton my jeans and not think about peeing
  34. Seriously guys, its 2015 why are pipes still bursting without any prior warning
  35. What if someone had diarrhea? Gross.
  36. Ugh 15 minutes to go, let’s check again
  37. *Water gushes out*
  38. PRAISE THE LORD
  39. I don’t have to sleep on the floor without a blanket, in 5 degrees.
  40. I don’t have to pee in the bushes and scare the workers and Billy the lizard.
  41. I will never take water for granted again
  42. *One hour later, still doesn’t make dinner and sits in front of the TV and takes the availability of water for granted*
Thoughts I Had When There Was No Water In My House

How To Tinder: For Guys

Don’t have the time to go out to bars and pick up girls like back in the old days? Too shy to ask a girl out in real life? Prefer flirting while you’re in bed eating pizzas and binge watching TV shows? You’re not alone. You’re actually just like me. I don’t go out much and I wish I had the guts to give my number to a guy but pigs will fly before that ever happens (unless I have a few tequila shots then who knows what’ll happen).

This is why online dating has become so popular. Granted there are apps that seem to be more into hooking up but people have still found love on it so why not you. As someone who has been on Tinder on and off now for a few months and been on several dates, I’ve decided to come to your rescue and teach you the ways of the Tinder world.

  1. For the love of God, don’t put a picture of yourself surrounded by ten other guys who look just like you as your main picture. I don’t have the time to see who has the same nose, jawline and hair in every picture.
  2. Enough with the fishing pictures. Put up pictures of you and your dog instead.
  3. No toilet selfies. Keep that shit for Instagram.
  4. I don’t care what your car looks like. I’m not planning on having drinks with it or in it.
  5. Why would you have pictures of your kids on an app like this? Get yo shit together.
  6. Good lord, no close ups where I can see into your nostril.
  7. The fact that you have pictures of your ex or shots from your wedding won’t make the ladies form a line.
  8. If every photo that you have is a selfie then I’m not going to take you seriously.
  9. Having an empty bio or one that says “just ask” is boring and shows that you lack originality and imagination. Write something even if it’s about how potatoes can be cooked. At least it’s a conversation starter and I can also find out different ways of cooking potatoes.
  10. If every picture is of you clubbing then I’m swiping left. No one over the age of 25 cares about which club you go to every Saturday night and how smashed you were.
  11. If you have one picture I’m swiping left. There’s a reason why you can upload 6 pictures. Make use of it.
  12. Don’t start a conversation with “hey, how are you.” Borrringgg.
  13. Enough with the pictures of you in Thailand patting a drugged up tiger, showing off your abs and shirtless gym selfies.
  14. Don’t lie and use photos of when you used to be fit, young and hot even though you resemble a prune now.
  15. Don’t just reply to questions but ask some as well. It’s not all about you.
  16. What’s the point of pictures of you looking into the distance where no one can see what your face looks like? If you have a mono brow it’s better to let me know now.
  17. Photos of you showing off your naked butt doesn’t necessarily mean that you have a sense of humour.
  18. If you’re looking to hook up then just write that in your bio so you don’t waste my time.
  19. Smile a little. If your pictures are of you looking emotionless and miserable then guess who doesn’t get a date let alone a match? You, you depressing soul.
  20. If you download a dating app, get matched and don’t talk or reply then you need to get your life sorted and look for validation elsewhere. You’re the worst out of them all.

Well there you have it. You can thank me later.

How To Tinder: For Guys

Lies I’ve Told Myself vs Reality

Come on, we’ve all been there.

  1. I’ll only have one drink tonight – You know what we haven’t had in a while? Tequila shots.
  2. I’ll set an alarm and wake up early – Bless the person who invented a mattress, I’m never leaving my bed.
  3. I don’t need cake – But the world is a better place with strawberry cheesecake.
  4. I’m not buying anything –  I’m pretty sure I will need to wear a black maxi dress with a thigh high split one day.
  5. I’ll cook at home and not eat out – Dude, let’s go have some pancakes.
  6. He wasn’t that great anyway – I’m going to miss his stupid face.
  7. I’m only going to watch one more episode – Today I finished an entire season of Suits.
  8. It’s an investment – Until I get bored of it.
  9. I’ll do it tomorrow – Or the day after.
  10. I’ll have it as leftovers – I like living in the present therefore I’m eating it now.
  11. I’ll start being serious about working out tomorrow – Looks like it’s going to rain. Guess I’m not working out today.
  12. I’m going to cut down on my sugar levels – Yes! Jam donuts are on sale.
  13. I’m going to be nice and not bitch about anyone – Ha! She still looks like a potato.
  14. I’m not going to stalk them on Instagram – I’ll just check Facebook instead.
  15. I’m done with dating – Is he single?!
  16. Size doesn’t matter – I can’t date him, he’s shorter than me.
  17. I’m over it – But I’m still going to stalk you on every social media platform.
  18. I don’t need new makeup – I could really use a coral lipstick.
  19. I don’t need a jacket – If the sun is out it means it’s warm outside right? Wrong.
  20. I can walk in those heels – My feet have died and gone to hell.
  21. I can fit into this if I don’t eat rice for a week – All I want is rice and pork.
  22. Just one scoop of ice cream – Two scoops of butterscotch and caramel please.
  23. I’ll just nap for 30 minutes – 2 hours later..
  24. I could totally dance like that – This looked way easier when she was doing it.
  25. Salads can be delicious – Maybe for rabbits, but not for me.
Lies I’ve Told Myself vs Reality

13 TV Show Recommendations To Binge Watch

I am someone who prefers the indoors to outdoors so I love reading and watching movies – all that stuff that many people find boring. You would never find me camping (unless someone blindfolds me and forces me to) or diving (I can’t swim) or skate boarding (I have zero balance skills) but you would find me curled up in bed watching TV shows. I didn’t have much time in uni to watch many shows but now that I have graduated and I am (still) looking for a full time job, I have loads of free time.

So if you’re bored or enjoy chilling in your pj’s with a hot cup of tea and binge watching TV shows then these are some of my recommendations in no particular order. I will leave out some of the embarrassing shows I watch like The Vampire Diaries (but just for Ian Somerhalder) or Pretty Little Liars (I NEED to find out who ‘A’ is) so try not to judge me by my taste in TV shows.

  1. Orphan Black – Guys, this show is the BOMB. It’s science fiction and it’s about human cloning and holy hell is it interesting. Every episode ends with a cliff hanger that keeps you glued to the screen.
  2. Suits – This is about a law firm in New York City and the cases they try to close. It’s a little more serious but I love the strong female characters that are portrayed in this show. Also, hellooo eye candy in the form of Harvey Specter. Who doesn’t love men in suits, am I right ladies?
  3. Orange Is The New Black – This is about a woman who was living in New York’s upper middle class and gets sentenced to time in prison for a crime she committed ten years ago. It shows her life in prison and the backstory of the other female prisoners. It’s a comedy drama so expect some humor and laughter (and nude scenes).
  4. Modern Family – If you’re looking for something light and family focused, then this is it. It follows the life of Jay and his family, all of whom live in the suburbs and it’s a mockumentary so the characters talk in front of the camera frequently and it’s hilarious. Trust me.
  5. Game of Thrones – You must be living under a rock if you haven’t heard of this. There is a reason why Game of Thrones is the most pirated TV series every year since 2012 and no it’s not due to the nudity or violence.
  6. How To Get Away With Murder – My housemate watched one season in 2 days and that says a lot. This is about a few law students who become entwined in a murder plot. It stars Viola Davis as a law professor so you know it’s going to be good.
  7. It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia – Who doesn’t love to take a break from their lives and watch how a bunch of self-centered, manipulative and dysfunctional people lead their life by hatching elaborate and unethical schemes? It’s a riot.
  8. New Girl – Like Modern Family, this is one of those TV shows you watch when you need something light. It’s about a bunch of friends who live together (one girl and three guys) and all the adventures they get up to as 30 somethings dealing with relationships and career choices. Zooey Deschanel plays the dorky girl obviously.
  9. The Walking Dead – If you like zombies and think you have it in you to survive an apocalypse then watch this.
  10. The Originals – If you like vampires and werewolves (but not the glittery Twilight kind) then watch this. Also, hellooo eye candy.
  11. The Mindy Project – One of my favourite comedy shows. This is about a gynaecologist (Mindy Kaling – who is amazing and hilarous) and her quirky colleagues in a medical practice in New York City and how she tries to manage her personal and professional life. Hilarious.
  12. Black-ish – This is another light and family focused comedy show that’s based on a man who tries to keep his family close to their roots while raising his kids in a predominantly white upper middle class neighborhood. Good stuff.
  13. The Middle – My mum and I used to watch this together. I love how they make this middle-class family seem totally relatable in their day-to-day struggles of home life and raising their children. One of my favorites.

Happy binge watching!

13 TV Show Recommendations To Binge Watch

How To Pass Time When You’re Waiting For An Important Text

I don’t know about you but when I’m waiting for a reply from an important or risky text, I spend the whole time obsessing over it and making sure my phone is right in front of my face much to the annoyance of my housemate.

Most of the time (98%) the text is I’m from a guy I’m currently seeing or a new boyfriend I am arguing with (and we all know how volatile the first 6 months of a relationship is).

Think of all the productive things we could’ve done while waiting for that text back! To save our time, I’ve compiled some things to do instead of fretting over a reply.

  1. Find a new TV show to binge watch – Orphan Black will definitely keep you hooked. Who doesn’t love a show about human cloning?!
  2. Practice rapping to ‘Gold digger’ – You never know when you may have to be part of a rap battle.
  3. Bake a cake – Just in case you get dumped and need some cake to get over them.
  4. Learn a new language online – I did this when I was seeing an Italian guy and wanted to impress him. The relationship didn’t work but hey, at least now I know how to say ‘asshole’ in Italian.
  5. Meditate – Or at least close your eyes and think of how hot your next Instagram picture will be so you can make them jealous.
  6. Take a picture – Fake a smile and snap a picture and post it with an irrelevant caption just to show what they’re missing.
  7. Retail therapy – You never need an excuse for this.
  8. Go for a jog –  Be sure to leave your phone at home. Let them agonize over your reply while you’re busy getting fit.
  9. Dance – Practice strip dancing to ‘Pony.’ Sorry, I just saw Magic Mike XXL and still can’t get over Channing Tatum grinding. Plus you never know when you may need to do a strip tease, so it’s better to be prepared. Nobody likes an amateur stripper!
  10. YouTube – I once watched a Taylor Swift music video and 2 hours later I was watching a video on how a tortoise mates. Very educational.
  11. Get back on Tinder – Don’t waste time and start swiping right to meet your soul mate.
  12. Teach your dog how to say ‘I love you’ – Because clearly the person you’re waiting for isn’t going to.
How To Pass Time When You’re Waiting For An Important Text

Cringey Words That Make Me Want To Sob

You know when you hear a particular word that just grinds your gears? It makes you shudder and squirm and you feel itchy all over (or maybe that’s just me). I don’t have as much of an issue with the word ‘moist’ as some people do (maybe because it always reminds me of a moist chocolate cake and there’s nothing better than that), but these are the words that make me want to stick my fingers in my ear and sob in a corner:

  1. Flaccid
  2. Phlegm
  3. Panties
  4. Discharge
  5. Throbbing
  6. Squirt
  7. Yeast
  8. Penetrate
  9. Crusty
  10. Pustule
  11. Pus
  12. Bulbous
  13. Cunnilingus
  14. Menstruate
  15. Mucous
  16. Fecal
  17. Pulp
  18. Cockroach
  19. Butt crack
  20. Penis
  21. Slug
  22. Soiled

This whole post is making my heart race and my skin crawl. I need to watch Orphan Black (great TV Show by the way), eat my housemate’s strawberry cheesecake and de-stress.

Cringey Words That Make Me Want To Sob